I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
