he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
