my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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