there's paper in my vomit.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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