Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
