I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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