Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Randomize
