I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
