Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
