I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
