i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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