yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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