My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I can feel your judgement through the phone
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
