a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
