so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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