I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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