I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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