ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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