Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
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