You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Randomize
