if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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