My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
