I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
