You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
