I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
