I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
