You just made me feel so damn special
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
