I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
