Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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