Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
