I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
