omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
