I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
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