She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
