I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
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