Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
