so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
