The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
