We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
