while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
