Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Small penises have feelings too.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
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