we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Randomize
