I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
you never un-have a 4some
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
