awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
