im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
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