I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
