and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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