id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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