So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
