Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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