I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
