just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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