I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
