here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
